RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

THE PEOPLE TO BLAME FOR THIS ONE

WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD YOURSELF ABOUT THIS MOVIE

Jake Wade Wall

MOVIE’S PEDIGREE

From the Director of:

Laura Croft: Tomb Raider

Con Air

From the Producers of:

Breakin’ All the Rules

Bring it On

Daddy Day Care

I, Robot

From the Writers of:

When a Stranger Calls (1979)

From the Actors of:

AVP: Aliens vs. Predator

Poison Ivy II

The Chumbscrubber

Did someone actually remake that 1979 movie?

Is that Anne Hathaway? Star of The Princess Diaries?

How scary can that be? I’ve delt with some pretty hardcore telemarketers in my day...and at night, cause you know, they call at night now. They have no respect for people’s free time.

     THE TITLE OF THIS MOVIE      MAKES ME THINK...

That sounds like this movie from 1979...oh, it is.

How is it that movie makers don’t realize how unoriginal, uncreative and lazy it looks to just keep repackaging the same old sh#t with a different colored wrapping paper.

There’s a whole generation of movie watchers who probably don’t even know there was an “original”...man do I feel old.

THE CONCEPT

Some guy is stalking a babysitter in the house where she’s babysitting! Get it? Great, right?

Let’s remake the original When a Stranger Calls which was really a rip off of Halloween except that instead of a silent guy in a mask and a knife, this guy has a mask, breathes hard, but he can use the phone...and talks!

THE DIE HARD MEETS (BLANK) PITCH

The orginal When a Stranger Calls meets Halloween meets the opening of Scream meets Panic Room.

WHAT IS IT LIKE?

The original When a Stranger Calls. Halloween. Panic Room. The opening of Scream which was inspired by the original When a Stanger Calls...completing this vicious circle.

And depressingly, there’s a whole generation of movie watchers who don’t remember Scream...man do I feel real old.

THE FORMULAIC EXPECTED PLOT AS TAKEN FROM THE PREVIEW

So it’s a guy hiding in the ceiling with a ski mask and making phone calls to a high school girl, then chasing her around a mansion as she yells “Stop calling me!”

And it takes about 35 minutes in this probably barely 90 minute movie for the “stranger danger” to get become a real threat.

HOW IS IT BETTER?

The house in this one is nicer.

This movie has cell phone technology! Even caller ID! But the “killer caller stalker” has technology that blocks caller ID! Now that’s conflict!

It seems like this remake will stay in “real time,” in one location and deal with 1) finding the missing kids and 2) surviving the “killer caller stalker” instead of the 1970’s boring pacing of the original where it followed Carol Kane after the kidnapping over a period of extended time.

Here’s the probable movie minute breakdown:

Minutes 1-5:

Hot T&A teen girl (HT&ATG) and her this-is-a-horror-movie-so-I’m-suppose-to-be-after-sex-in-every-scene-with-you boyfriend (The Horny Horror Movie Boyfriend - THHMB) make plans for a hot date.

Minutes 5-10:

HT&ATG and THHMB plans are spoiled by c#ockblocking parents (CBPs) when dad’s boss needs an emergency babysitter. Wanting to impress the man in charge to get that promotion to further support their emotionally alienating family dynamic where material possessions replace emotional connection, CBD (c#ckblocking dad) volenteers his HT&ATG for the job.

Minutes 10 - 30:

PLUS! This has ten times the PHONE ACTION of the original!!!

WARNING SIGNS

THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC

Teens!

Anyone over 25 who saw the original in theaters or on WGN Sunday Night Movie because it was the only movie they had the rights to show for all of October in 1983 remembers how boring the original one was, so they’re out as a demographic.

They drive out to the house. They tour through the house. 5 minutes of “Wow this is a big house!” Plans to make popcorn, watch a scary movie and invite THHMB over for some kinky lets-do-it-in-a-strangers-house-while-the-kids-are-upstairs-sleeping.

Minutes 30 - 50:

The first phone call with heavy breathing. The second phone call with more heavy breathing. The third through fifth phone calls where HT&ATG gets scared and calls police. The police don’t make a big deal out of it and cliche rears it’s head because the police are obeying the horror movie rule of “Authority figures will not believe any claims of excited or scared teens until someone dies.”

Horror Movie Money Shot Alert!

This is where the scary “Have you checked the children” moment from the commericals will happen.

The children will go missing and the killer-stalker-breather-talker-phone caller will make his appearance.

Minutes 50 - 70:

Teens and family members of the cast and crew will be the only ones who see this because no one under 18 knows any history dating beyond the year of their birth.

Like Sam in Quantum Leap - another show readers under 18 won’t know about - their cultural reference points only span within their lifetimes. So for the 13 - 24 year old crowd that means 1982 - Today. And since no one remembers anything non-traumatic until age 5 or 6 lets assume it’s 1986.

Babysitters are the other demographic this movie is after. Those hundreds of babysitters in America whose worst fear is to be terrorized in such a way. The studios will make hundreds of hard earned babysitting money.

REASONS TO SEE IT

Popcorn Trick - if you don’t have any other place to “try to score” because you 1) don’t own a car 2) live with your parents and 3) don’t have money for a hotel room, this is the movie to go see.

It will be dark, the theater, will be mostly empty and loud enough to drown out sounds of a sloppy, naive and painfully performed popcorn trick forgetting to dump the popcorn.

You are a babysitter and your worst fear is the caller ID being blocked.

THHMB will arrive to save HT&ATG so that he can get the “Hero Bang”- the rarest of all scores that only happens in movies and nerds fantasies that involves rescuing the cheerleader from a potentially fatal threat - usually pushing her out of the way of a car that is going slow enough to 1) give the guy a chance to push the girl out of the way and 2) hit the guy and injure him just enough to that he a) lives b) can talk in a weak voice where he will utter the words “I did it for you cause I love you, you’re my whole world” and c) get to porkin’ when cheerleader realizes what a great guy he is.

THHMB will arrive, the door open, the lights off and loudly call for HT&ATG “where are you? I’m here to save you.”

This will give killer-stalker-breather-talker-phone caller time to sneak up and knock THHMB off in a suspenseful, surprising, thrilling, horrific, movie worthy way...maybe adding some kind of a catch phrase of amusing quip perhaps, “This lines disconnected!”

HT&ATG will discover THHMB’s body sometime here. Police and parents may start to believe HT&ATG when MONEY SHOT # 2 happens: They say “We’ve traced the call, it’s coming from inside the house!”

Minutes 70 - 90:

On the run and hiding in every room of the house, the cell phone battery running low, the killer-stalker-breather-talker-phone caller makes his final call, “It’s time to end this call!” or maybe “You know how the dial tone of a phone after someone hangs up sort of sounds like the flatline of a heart monitor at a hospital? Well, think about that. Cause it’s time for this call to end and metaphorically the same is true for your life...get ready for dialtone.”

HT&ATG somehow outwits the killer-stalker-breather-talker- phone caller and kills him and then finds the kids.

Also, there should be some kind of a twist as to the identity of the killer-stalker-breather-talker-phone caller and the motivation. Hint: If a bad guy wears a mask, it probably means there’s some kind of a secret as to who it is and there has to be a good reason for that.

Minutes 90 - 93:

HT&ATG reunites with her parents, police tell her what a good job she did and she is taken away to the hospital.

THE IF-STUDIO-HAD SOME-BALLS-AND SURPRISED-US-WITH -ORIGINALITY PLOT

Maybe the filmmakers got it right! It seems that the entire story takes place in the house with the bad guy in the house chasing her around. That means the filmmakers learned from the original, took the best most remembered moment, concept, idea and made that the entire movie.

But be careful, maybe it was only a short part of the original because it can only work as a short, tense, moment.

Again, If ever a movie was made for the popcorn trick. A story you don’ t need to pay attention to, actors you don’ t really want to see and plenty of room in the dark theater to get some.

REASONS NOT TO SEE IT

Not really that exciting of an idea anymore.

With Scream, Halloween and the original When a Stranger Calls - which was just average anyways - available on DVD at the cost of like $4 to rent, why bother paying full price for this one. How different can this “new” version be?

Wanna be Anne Hathaway won’t show any T&A - the days of nudie horror movies of the 80’s are long gone.

The kids will be alive, the babysitter will stop the bad guy...,same old sh#t.

IS IT WORTH $10?

NO.

It’s really not even worth matinee price.

It’s really not even worth free. 

MONEY SHOT WEEKEND BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION

$5 Million.

If it makes anymore than that H-Wood will think that they can get away with inferior remakes like this and then the gates will be open and a sh#tload of half-assed remakes of so-so horror films from before anyone can remember

TOTAL BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION

$25 Million.

Yeah, same reasoning as above. The more it makes the more chance of more movies like it being made, not to mention a sequel.

The budget for this one was $15 million, so if it makes a little bit more than that it won’t get anyone too excited. But if it does crazy B.O. then we’re in trouble.

DVD PURCHASE OR RENT?

Rent.

This is a very rentable movie.

There are two possible destinies here:

1) Rent both this remake and the original. Get two DVD players and TVs and press start at the same time. See which one you turn off first.

The goal of any remake is to take an aspect of the original that was a good idea probably underused and explored in the original and maximize it’s potential this time around.

But, because this is H-Wood produced, the story will stick to the tried and tired and true formula explored above.

Let’s do the movie minute breakdown and see what this remake could have been:

Minutes 1-5:

HT&ATG has taken her last hit of ecstasy with THHMB and they hatch a plan to throw the ultimate rave.

2) Get a group of friends and play the drinking game.

DVD SALES RECOMMENDATION

$0.

There is no reason to own this.

Unless you’re trying to waste time, nothing on this DVD will be worth any amount of money you spend.

Outtakes, the making of, bonus footage, behind the scenes, audio commentary, what could possible make up those 5 minute segments and why would you want to watch it?

SEE THESE INSTEAD

Each live in small middle class 4 bedroom 3 bathroom homes surrounded by nosey keeping up with the Jones’ neighbors, so they can’t have it there.

As they come off their highs Risky Business comes on Basic Cable and they’re inspired to talk HT&ATG’s dad into asking his uber rich boss into letting her baby sit because she heard her dad mention his bosses’ predicament - no one to watch the kids as they fly off to exploit some third world country’s population so his business can maximize profits.

Minutes 5- 10:

Dad’s boss meets HT&ATG and agrees to let her baby sit the kids cause she looks loose and maybe his wimpy virgin sons will “get some” babysitter style.

HT&ATG tells THHMB that it’s on. It’s a huge mansion and is a dream location for the rave. The party will also serve to destroy the house and get her dad fired forcing him to get a regular 9-5 job and reconnect with his emotionally neglected materialistically overwhelmed family.

Minutes 10 - 30:

The party is on. Friends of friends of friends know about it. HT&ATG drops some GHB into the kids juice cups to put them out of the way for the evening.

Little does she know that little Skippy and Timmy have slipped some GHB into her Slim Fast Shake, as instructed by their mega rich daddy.

But it’s not GHB that the kids have given her, it’s LSD (the drug dealer rich daddy bought the hit from didn’t like him so he switched the product for some passive aggressive vengeance)

Meanwhile a storm is raging outside and the private bridge to the mansion has collapsed and the would be ravers can’t cross it. A few, trippin’ balls at the time, try to reinact the bus jump scene from Speed, cause “If a big ass bus can do it, this Mustang GT sure as hell can, he-ya!”

We can guess how their attempts turn out - bloop, bloop, drown.

Waiting for the party people to arrive HT&ATG can’t believe nobody has showed up yet. Suddenly the phone rings. She answers it, “Why wansn’t I invited to the party?” Click.

Minutes 30 - 50:

Back at the collapsed bridge there are enough cars piled up to make a new bridge. The party people ride across .

Guests start to arrive. The rave is on and the music is pumping and people are dancing, sweating and grinding.

Then the phone rings. HT&ATG picks it up, “Have you checked the guests?” Click.

Suddenly the music stops, it’ s quiet and no one’s there. Has it all been a hallucination? Or, has someone kidnapped all the guests?

Glow sticks and figures wearing nothing but knitted ski caps are seen in the darkness.

The phone rings, “Invite me to the party!” And HT&ATG screams, “You’re invited, now leave me alone!”

“Let the party begin.” Click.

The lights go out and the terror begins.

Mintues: 50-93

A series of scene where the killer-stalker-breather-talker-phone caller is shirtless with glow sticks and dances around HT&ATG while she finds dead party goers and goes on an Alice and Wonderland type of adventure.

In the end it’s all discovered that it was an Ecstasy hallucination and HT&ATG and THHMB are waking up in their own vomit on the basement floor the HT&ATG’s middle class home. She says, “I’m never babysitting.”

DID YOU NOTICE DURING THE PREVIEW?

How convincing the terror in HT&ATG voice was when she said, “Stop calling me!”

How you screamed, “Hang up the fu#king phone!” as it annoyingly droned on towards the end of the preview.

How you weren’t scared at all in the suppose to be scary moment when the police officer said, “We’ve traced the call, it’s coming from inside the house!”

That you asked, “Why is there an angelic voice singing at the beginning of the preview?”

How implausible it is that THHMB is at another party while HT&ATG is alone in a big house with big leather sofas. This is a horror movie with teens, were’s the would-be knocking of the boots?

LITTLE KNOWN FACT

That scene of “Stop calling me!” is actually home video footage of the actress talking to her agent as he was trying to convince her to take this role.

This is not an original idea.

It’s been said like 20 times during this review: Scream, the original When a Stranger Calls and Halloween.

HOLLYWOOD LESSON LEARNED

Wait until a new generation of inexperienced movie goers is created, then feed them the same sh#t with a different packing.

This probably got the green light because the remake of Amityville Horror made $64 million!!!! and only had a budget of $18 milion!!!

Don’t need any big name actors to be in horror movies.

DO THIS INSTEAD

Get a job baby sitting some rich kids in a mansion. Every time the phone rings get nervous, breathe hard and slowly pick up the phone. No matter who it is, pull the phone away from your ear, look at it and yell, “Stop calling me!”

Get a job baby sitting some rich kids in a mansion. Tell the kids your going to play hide and seek, they hide and you seek. As soon as they hide knock yourself over the head with a blunt object, when you come to you should have no memory of agreeing to play hide and seek with the kids. When you check on them they won’ t be there. The more you freak out the more the kids will love it and stay hidden, you may have a nervous breakdown.

TOTAL LIFE TIME SAVED

80 - 90 minutes viewing the movie.

15-30 minutes viewing the commercials and previews.

30-60 minutes round trip travel time.

$10 x 2 tickets, Popcorn, Soda, gas and babysitting fees total divided by hourly rate of pay equals totals amount of life time saved.

BUT, BUT...

There’s nothing new under the sun and all stories have been done before. Each generation applies a new interpretation that reflects the changing mores, taboos and customs of that era.

Look at Shakespeare, his work has been remade more than anyone else’s and it always seems to resonate.

RE-BUT-BUT-BUTTAL

Good point. But may not apply to When a Stranger Calls because Shakespeare didn’t write it.

Definitely there are some great ideas from the past that with the technology of today have a better chance at expression to realize their fullest potential.

But rarely does that happen? Was the “revised” original Star Wars Trilogy better? Raise your hands if you like Luke screaming as he jump to what he thinks is his death after he learns Vader is his father.

War of the Worlds by Cruise and Senor Spielbergo was crappier than the pre-CGI version.

Shakespeare works because he reveals ourselves to ourselves. If you want to know what it means to be human, read Shakespeare, if you want to know what it feels like to be picked up by your feet, turned upside down and have the money shaken out of your pockets, go see When a Stranger Calls.

SNEEK PEEK PICS

It looks so bad that it deserves parallel sarcasm.

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