|
|
 |
LAND OF THE CREATIVELY DEAD
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
THE FORMULAIC EXPECTED PLOT AS TAKEN FROM THE PREVIEW
|
|
|
|
From horror master George A. Romero, comes his masterpiece!A scary looking zombie rasises his had slowly out of the water. Soon his scary zombie friends are following him out of the water. The zombies are coming out of the water! They crash through a pad locked fence and make their way towards a city. They growl and jump out at the most telegenic people around - thank God only the ugly people have become zombies. Gunfire and zombie growling and walking occur. That’s pretty much it. It’s not really clear who is in the movie, what they’re trying to do except kill zombies, where they are, what’s going on. This preview has .0002 % of story content and 99.98 % genre content. It’s pretty much zombies doing the zombie thing. It’s like the preview is saying, “Come on, do I really have to go through the trouble? It’s zombies doing Zombie sh#t. Enojoy!”
|
|
|
|
THE IF-STUDIO-HAD SOME-BALLS-AND SURPRISED-US-WITH -ORIGINALITY PLOT
|
|
|
One thing can be said for the 3 previous George A. Romero Zombie movies - they actually had a hidden meaning. Holy sh#t! You mean movies can actually say something about the society in which they’re created? Believe it or not, yes. The most obvious of Romero’s zombie films to do this was Dawn of the Dead. Made in the 1970’s, when shopping malls were just starting to change the way people consumed, Dawn focused on a surviving group of humans who locked themselves in a Shopping Mall. But first they had to dead with those zombies in the mall and those outside who wanted to get in. An attack on capitialism and consumers - from a zombie movie! So....let’s cross our fingers and hope the studio had some balls and let George go back to his old tricks of making an entertaining horror film that says something about our current reality. It’s obvious from the preview that the studios didn’t want to focus on the story to entice audiences to see Land, so they resorts to pure visuals and a George Romero zombie movie history lesson no one under 15 is going to get - Day of the dead was made over 20 years ago! Let’s try a go at a plot with social commentary - Zombies are tired of being a mistreated persecuted minority by scared humans who shoot first and ask questions later. The “chosen one” zombie is born through immaculate conception. This zombie can talk, write, read and control his urge to eat brains. He leads a peaceful rally in the nations capital that is met with hostility. Instead, the humans round up all zombies and ship them off to fight in a war due to demand on the home front for human soldiers to be called back. The zombies win the war but in the process turn the conquered nation into a nation of zombies. They attack the human government that sent them there. The Zombies win and everyone on earth is a zombie...except two humans, male and female that manage to escape...this sets up Planet of the Zombies starring Charelton Heston and Roddy MacDowell.
|
|
|
DID YOU NOTICE DURING THE PREVIEW?
|
|
|
That you kept wondering: “What the hell is the story here?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
WARNING SIGNS
|
|
|
|
#1 The preview reveals NO story.
|
|
|
|
#2 The preview reveals NO characters/actors.
|
|
|
|
#3 The preview is ALL genre..
|
|
|
|
#7 The preview relies heavily on the directors reputation.
|
|
|
|
THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC
|
|
|
|
George Romero fans. That could be as young as 13 (for those who liked last year’s Dawn remake and were inspired to rent the “original” which further inspired interesting in viewing Romero’s body of work) and as old as 50 (for those who saw the orginal films in the theaters).
|
|
|
The teen dating crowd of guys who want to have their scared girlfriends latch onto them and girls who want to hold onto their boyfriends during a scary movie.
|
|
|
Political activists, probably 20 and over, who see this as a metaphor for the current state of worldly affairs.
|
|
|
REASONS TO SEE IT
|
|
|
|
1) George A. Romero is back!
|
|
|
|
2) You’re a horror fan.
|
|
|
|
3)You like zombie movies.
|
|
|
|
4) Movie stars or well known actors are not an important reason to see a movie.
|
|
|
5) Will lose sleep feeling incomplete in your knowledge of the “Dead” quadiology.
|
|
|
|
REASONS NOT TO SEE IT
|
|
|
|
1) Could be more of the same old sh#t..
|
|
|
|
2) Pretend respect given to Romero in the preview really pissed you off.
|
|
|
3) Story could be lame, annoying and/or non-existent.
|
|
|
|
IS IT WORTH $10?
|
|
|
|
Overall, no. It’s a zombie movie - how new can it be? If a weekend night is the only time you can see it, then fine. A matinee price is much more sensible.
|
|
|
BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION
|
|
|
|
George Romero has been given a second chance at life. It would be nice to support him and give him a chance at another movie after this.
|
|
|
Studios respond to Box Office. Therfore, the recommendation is:
|
|
|
$50 million...and above.
|
|
|
|
With a low budget thanks to no A-list stars, this movie has a chance to make its money back, turn a profit and give Romero a revitalized late-inning career.
|
|
|
DVD PURCHASE OR RENT?
|
|
|
|
If the movie turns out to be dual-layered with entertainment and metaphor/social message, AND if there is a commentary track by Romero, then a big YES.
|
|
|
DVD sales will also help Romero in the future.
|
|
|
|
$10 million worth of DVD sales would be nice.
|
|
|
|
SEE THESE INSTEAD
|
|
|
|
If you’re nervous about committing money to this one, then see the other Romero zombie films and the inspired by movies that followed.
|
|
|
Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, 28 Days, Dawn of the Dead 2004.
|
|
|
A zombie movie with amazing originality is Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson’s Dead Alive. You won’t be sorry.
|
|
|
|
HOLLYWOOD LESSON LEARNED
|
|
|
|
H-Wood is a business. Horror is hot so here’s a horror movie from a guy who’s made them his whole career.
|
|
|
DO THIS INSTEAD
|
|
|
The summer weather doesn’t make you want to stay cooped up inside watching movies about zombies roaming about outside. If you want to be scared but want to do it outside try this.
|
|
|
1) Late at night, sneak into a cemetery. Do this alone, with your significant other or a group of friends. Find a grave, get drunk, cast some spells and incantations and see if you can raise your own army of the dead.
|
|
|
|
2) Go to the nearest skyscraper. Empire State Building, Sears Tower, etc. From the observation deck look down at all the people as they mope about their daily activities. See if you can tell if the difference between the humans and zombies.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
LITTLE KNOWN FACT
|
|
|
Zombies are real. They are normal humans, sans creativity. As a result, in order to live undetected and inconspiciously many zombies have managed to get movie studio jobs.
|
|
|
THE MESSAGE THIS MOVIE SENDS
|
|
|
Audience’s don’t need to know what the story is about to see a movie. And...while H-Wood pretends to revere George A. Romero, the “father” of zombie horror movies, the truth is that the only reason this movie was even made is because horror films are hot again. A remake of his “masterpiece” Dawn of the Dead did great at the Box Office last year so H-Wood thought, “Hey, why don’t we ask that one guy who made those orginials and hasn’t really done anything since to do a new one.” H-Wood only loves ya when they need ya.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
3) Ride your bike, car or motorcycle and pretend zombies are after you. Don’t turn around, ride like the wind.
|
|
|
4) For images of random people getting shot and falling to the ground, tune into a news channel.
|
|
|
|
5) When you meet another humanoid ask them, “How’s it going.” After they respond with “pretty well” ask them a more detailed question. This is the zombie giveaway. If they engage you on a deeper level, they’re okay, annoying - because now they tell you all their problems cause it seems like you’re someone who actually cares - but not a zombie.
|
|
|
To get rid of them fast, tell them you were just asking because you’re on the lookout for zombies.
|
|
|
TOTAL LIFE TIME SAVED
|
|
|
|
A matinee price runs around $6. Depending on who you go with, consider it $4 per person saved. Divide $4 by your hourly work rate and that = life time saved.
|
|
|
2-3 hours spent suffering from BMMS afterwards.
|
|
|
|
This movie will be pretty satisfying overall, so consider your post-movie BMMS likelihood minimal to nonexistent.
|
|
|
|
TOTAL = 4-5 predicted hours of your life saved by not paying full price for this movie along with minimal BMMS risk.
|
|
|
|
|
BUT, BUT...
|
|
|
|
How can you recommend another exploitative Hollywood movie that corrupts our youth and is nothing but senseless unrealistic violence?
|
|
|
|
RE-BUT-TAL
|
|
|
|
Face what you fear and you’ll overcome it. Turn on the news and real life violence outweighs the impact 100 movies like this could make. There’s one amazing fact here - people know this is fake. And, with hopes that George Romero had creative freedom, this movie could represent a sane voice wearing insane clothing for these insane times.
|
|
|
|
SNEEK PEEK PICS
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Let’s play the logic game!
|
|
|
|
These “zombies” are coming out of the water because:
|
|
|
|
1) For some reason human bodies were laid to rest in this ocean, lake or pond.
|
|
|
|
2) It looks really scary and cool to have zombies emerging from the water.
|
|
|
