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WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD YOURSELF ABOUT THIS MOVIE
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Is that Michael Keaton? He’s gotten old. Is that Matt Dillon? He’s used to be in good movies. Is that Lindsey Lohan? She used to be unanorexic. Is that Herbie the Love Bug? He used to be an original idea...oh, and...did the preview voice guy really just say, “Tricked out”?
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THE TITLE OF THIS MOVIE MAKES ME THINK...
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...of Herbie the Love Bug tying a rolled red bandana around his hood and gearing up with machine guns and grenades.
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...of how out of touch the marketers of this movie are. As if “Fully Loaded” is hip or “street” and will get the “youth market” interested in this 4-wheeled insult to audience intelligence.
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...that the title secretly refers to Lindsey Lohan’s huge rack.
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THE CONCEPT
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A car that’s alive! That’s it! That’s the idea. So? Whatdaya think? Good, right?
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THE DIE HARD MEETS (BLANK) PITCH
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It’s Herbie the Love Bug meets Lindsey Lohan.
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WHAT IS IT LIKE?
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Herbie the Love Bug, Christine, Knight Rider, Transformers, Gobots.
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HOW IS IT BETTER?
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It’s not. In any way. Herbie is not “tricked out” or “pimped” or “loaded” or “suped up.” If anything it’s the audience getting “tricked” and “pimped.”
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We have seen cars acting human, driving fast and saving the day more than we’ve seen pictures of Lindsey Lohan hung over at celebrity parties. This is old, tired, cliche, btdt (been there done that), boooring.
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WARNING SIGNS
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# 24 - When there are over-the-top-slide-whistle-type-cheesy sound effects.
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# 18 - When there is no mention of “from the director of....”
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# 9 - When there is more than 3 writers for a movie. Most good movies have screenplays written by 2 people at most.
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THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC
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Kids who really think that a car talking is new and exciting. The same kids who are going to be talking to the family car for the next week and crying hysterically when it doesn’t honk or act alive. Mom and Dad, don’t you dare sneak behind the wheel and honk when you kid talks to the car. If you do you’re just as stupid as your barely potty trained, pampered, not ready for reality kid. You deserve it when they boomerang back after college to live with you because the law firm they were applying to wouldn’t “honk” for them when they cried.
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Race car afficiandos who watch Discovery Channel’s Pimp my Ride and have multipule copies of Fast and Furious will not see this unless they have kids. The use of the now-out-of-style-thanks-to-this-preview phrase “tricked out” will not pursuade anyone to see this.
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Nascar fans who’ll watch anything race around in a circle.
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The huge population of teenage girls obsessed with racing.
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The town of (Town name of the one where that female race car driver who’s in the news lately comes from) who thinks this is a biography of (the race car girls name.)
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REASONS TO SEE IT
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1) If you’ve been waiting for another Herbie movie, your prayers have been answered.
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2) If you don’t have air conditioning at home and want to be cool in a dark place that smells like popcorn, then this is your chance.
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3) If you have to see all movies that star either Lindsey Lohan, Michael Keaton and Matt Dillon, here’s your chance.
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REASONS NOT TO SEE IT
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1) Disney, after test screening feedback, digitally reduced the size of Lindsey Lohan’s Watermellons! Lindsey has been Fully Unloaded!
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2) Herbie honk-talks to Lindsey. It was annoying enough when Lassie barked.
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3) Too depressing to see what’s happened to Michael Keaton and Matt Dillons’ careers.
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4) Too predictable.
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5) Don’t need A/C that badly.
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6) To many logic defying questions you can’t ignore if you have half a brain cell, for example:
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A) Why the f#ck does Lindsey Lohan even need to hold the steering whee? Herbie drives himself!
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B) Herbie goes to the junk yard, and is there for many years, yet a pristine lone sealed envelope is in the glove compartment. Why? How?
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C) A car does reality defying tricks and manuvers in front of hundreds of people and on TV and everyone just shrugs their shoulders, “With the right driver, I guess that could’ve happened.” The CIA would impound Herby and LIndsey and tourture them for all their secrets.
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IS IT WORTH $10?
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Take that $10 bill, cut it up, garnish it on your salad, eat it, go to the bathroom, and sphincter massage it into the toilet. That feels better than watching this and you get more for your money.
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BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION
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This is going to be tough love. On the one hand, if this movie made money maybe Michael Keaton and Matt Dillon would get more work. On the other, if it made money Lindsey Lohan would get more work and another Herbie movie would be ordered. That cannot happen.
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Michael and Matt should have known better. As a result, we can’t reward decisions based on desperation.
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$20 million....max!
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A clear message needs to be sent: Herbie the remake was a Howard-Dean-Post-New-Hampshire-Primary-Hey-Yeah!-Speech-bad-idea. This will not be tolerated.
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DVD PURCHASE OR RENT?
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No and no....well, maybe rent if you’re a drunk/baked group of college students looking to laugh, freak out and trip balls.
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This DVD will be filled with extra worthless time wasting bullsh#t. Respect your life time. No extra scenes, deleated scenes or commentray tracks are worth the price or purchase or rental.
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DVD SALES RECOMMENDATION
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200 units...max! Only if you worked on the film and want to see your name in the credits should you buy this.
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Remember, some movies make more money off DVD dales than they did in theaters. Send a message: Herbie rests in peace. No more. Back to the junkyard!
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SEE THESE INSTEAD
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Any of the original Herbie Movies.
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Knight Rider - the original badass talking car. It’s cooler, sleeker and meaner than Herbie. It does have David Hasselhof in it though, sorry.
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Transformers - Cars that talk AND transform into robots that kick other car transforming robots asses with lasers.
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HOLLYWOOD LESSON LEARNED
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The what-if-a-car-could-do-this fad has been over since the made for TV movie Knight Rider 2000 - that was made in the 90’s.
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The 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s were the golden age of we-love-watching-cars-race-jump-and-talk. In an age of hybrid, fuel econimc cars, onstar and tv’s in the headrests, it just don’t relate to the times anymore.
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Hollywood, you are officially OUT OF TOUCH.
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DO THIS INSTEAD
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Instead of taking your kid(s) to see this creative sludge and sitting in a dark theater not talking, looking or in any way interacting with each other and later calling it quality time, try some of the following.
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1) Go-cart racing. Interact with your attention starved kids and race them around the track. If they’re young enough you’ll beat them easily. If you want you can even let them win, encouraging them the whole time.
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2) Simulated racing at a local arcade. Pop a few quarters into the latest racing simulation and watch your kids drive on the grass and run over pedestrians. Cheer them on the whole time.
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3) Go to a local auto show. See the latest model that your keeping-up-with-the-jones’ neighbors will buy before you in the one-upsmanship-of-the-suburban-life.
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Your kids get to sit in real cars that have been temporarily taxidermied. Sorry little Billy, sorry little Suzie, the horn, lights, radio and whipers don’t work...Herbie has been embalmed and prepared for his wake.
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4) One word: SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
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Buy some earplugs and head down to the Monster Truck Rally. It’s fun to see small cars crushed by bigger cars. You can’t teach your kids early enough: relieve stress through vicarious violence.
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5) An actual Nascar Race! Buy the tickets, find your seats and stretch your neck muscles cause you’ll be watching cars lap 200 times over the next 3 hours.
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6) Buy a electric race track car set. Click the track together and you control the racing action. Speed up around the curves and watch the cars fly off the track.
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A philosophy lesson for the young ones, their first metaphor: The track is your boring, repetitive life. You are the car stuck in the rut of it. No matter how fast or slow you go, you can never ever escape - until you just decide you’ve had enough and jump off the track into the infinite abyss - ENJOY!
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BUT, BUT...
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Herbie is loveable harmless fun for the whole family. My kids would enjoy watching a car do magical tricks. It will be funny and endearing.
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