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BEWITCHED...THE MOVIE? REALLY?
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THE PEOPLE TO BLAME FOR THIS ONE
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Lucy Fisher
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James W. Skotchdopole
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Directed by:
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Nora Ephron
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Written by:
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Nicole Kidman Will Ferrell Shirley MacLaine
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THE FORMULAIC EXPECTED PLOT AS TAKEN FROM THE PREVIEW
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Will Farrell is an actor whose career is nearing the end of its 15 minutes after a string of bad movie choices. In order to get back on track he decides to remake the 1960’s sitcom Bewitched. Instead of casting a well know actress in the role of the witch he decides to find an unknown who has “the nose.” In a bookstore he runs into the perfect nose for the role, belonging to Nicole Kidman. He brings her back to the studio and everyone agrees, “that nose is perfect.” He asks her to be his “movie wife” and she agrees. She goes home to tell her witch-dad, Michael Cane about the career move. He warns her that she can’t change who she is. During the filming she begins to fall for Will, but she must tell him the truth, she’s a witch. She tells him, he freaks out and stops seeing her. Depressed and vulnerable, Shirley McLane shows up as the trouble making aunt witch. She casts a love spell. Will falls under it’s power, comes over with flowers and a “Cat Stevens CD”. They’re together and having fun but it’s not real. Nicole realizes this is not the real Will, it’s just the spell. She wants true love. She undoes the spell. He then eventually chooses to love her for who she is, witch powers and all. Michael Cane smiles while Shirley McLane frowns. Will and Nicole are together and the movie is made.
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THE IF-STUDIO-HAD SOME-BALLS-AND SURPRISED-US-WITH -ORIGINALITY PLOT
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WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD YOURSELF ABOUT THIS MOVIE
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This isn’t anything like Bewitched the TV series. Will Farrell as a romantic lead? Nicole Kidman does have a cute nose. Dude, Will Farrell’s not gonna be “Old School” style crazy funny. It is from the director of You Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle.
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THE CONCEPT
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It’s a remake of Bewitched the TV series. No, no Darin. No they’re not married. It’s actually not like the TV series at all. We’re just gonna use the name and come up with a story where a witch falls in love with an actor and wants him to love her for who she is.
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THE DIE HARD MEETS (BLANK) PITCH
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Bewitched meets Shadow of the Vampire.
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WHAT IS IT LIKE?
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Bewitched (kind of), Shadow of the Vampire, Adaptation, I Dream of Jeanie
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HOW IS IT BETTER?
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Not in any way. It’s exactly a combination of Bewitched, Shadow of the Vampire, Adaptation but nowhere near as good any of those.
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It’s like Norah Ephron didn’t know how to make Bewitched the TV series work as a movie, so she watched Adaptation and decided to do a story about someone making a remake of the TV series. Then, maybe Shadow of the Vampire was on Bravo and the idea that the actor playing the vampire in the movie Nosferatu was really a vampire is genius....so what if the actress playing a witch is really a witch? Perfect....let the filmmaking begin.
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WARNING SIGNS
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# 24 - When there are over-the-top-slide-whistle-type-cheesy sound effects. The nose sound effect is vomit worthy.
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# 12 When they don’t mention the director’s other movies.
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THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC
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The Romantic Comedy crowd. Couples between 18-35.
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Single people who wallow in their lonliness and go to romantic movies to imagine what it would be like if they were watching this movie with a “special someone.”
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Possibly Will Farrell high school and college boys. This might be too not funny and wacky and outrageous for them to care.
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Males who have developed a Nicole Kidman nose fetish.
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Fans of Bewitched who can leave the nursing home under their own power.
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REASONS TO SEE IT
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1) Will Farrell could be funny.
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2) Nicole Kidman is pretty cute.
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3) Shirley McLane makes a rare movie appearance.
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4) Michael Cane is in the movie.
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5) If you like watching people with witch powers, this is your movie.
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Will Farrell is an actor whose career is taking off. After staring on a comedy sketch TV show for a number of years his movies have made tons of money as he has a firm grip on the 13-30 “Adam Sandler” age bracket. Norah Ephron approaches him with the offer to play the lead opposite Nicole Kidman in an adaptation of Bewitched, the 1960’s TV show. After getting down from his kegstand, he burps and says, “Are you f#cking sh#tting me! Who’s gonna wanna watch a movie about that show?” Norah Ephron opens a suitcase full of money. Will stands strong and refuses. Losing the battle but not the war, Norah calls Nicole and asks her to convince Will to do it - they need the 13-30 year old boys for this one. Nicole gets on her broom stick and flies over to Will’s place. She casts a spell and assumes the shape of SNL forefather John Belushi. She holds out the contract and a pen. Will, afraid of offending his idol, signs on the dotted line. Against his will, under a spell he acts in the adaptation of Bewitched. During the filming Oscar Winner Michael Cane breaks out of the spell and snaps Will back to his senses. Together they form a plot to escape the Bewitched set with fellow thespians Jason Swartzman and Steve Carrell. They take turns during the night digging a hole under their trailer, out past the security gate to a nearby field where freedom lay. After weeks of swallowing their pride and delivering their lines so their captors don’t suspect a thing, they are ready to make their break. Advised by Clint Eastwood during secret cell phone calls, they create life-like dummies from plaster and paper mache to lay in their beds so that Shirley McLane doesn’t notice them missing from their cells as she checks in on them. They make it through the tunnel, emerge on the end of freedom. It pours rain, they raise their hands into the sky, success...until, Norah, Nicole and Shirley, riding broomsticks fly above and machine gun down at them. Steve Carrell has betrayed them! Promised by the coven of witches “Will Farrell-like career success” he sells his fellow actors out. The men surrender, Will gives in, he’ll finish the movie, just spare the careers of the others. NO! No one shall be spared. They finish the movie. Opening night, critics pan, audiences ignore. It makes $10 million opeing weekend. Against reason, Bewtiched 2 is orderd. Seeing this announcement on the news Will checks his contract: Sequels to infinity. He is in hell. He beings to bang on a cowbell. “Help me!” There’s a knock at the door. Christopher Walken has arrived with reinforcements. Robert Deniro, Rutger Howard and Dennis Hopper. This time it’s war - let Bewtiched 2: Salem Bitchslap Trials begin. Revenge is a dish best served well done, burned at the stake.
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DID YOU NOTICE DURING THE PREVIEW?
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REASONS NOT TO SEE IT
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1) To many illogical moments will take you out of the movie.
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In the preview Nicole Kidman “nose scrunches” her way to buying $420 of items with a fake credit card. So...who got charged the money? Isn’t she stealing? This is really a message to all females that if you’re ever in a situation where you can’t pay for what you want, use your “powers” to get it. “Powers” being your “female” powers. Instead of the “nose wiggle” cause that’s just akward...and besides, no one has witch powers. But women do have their female powers over men and lesbians.
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So, to get what you want use the following: Ass wiggle (bend over for extra power) Breast jiggle, leg spread.
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Then when Nicole Kidman wants breakfast but it stopped being served at 11, she changed the time to 10:55. Again, use your “female” powers to get what you want.
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And when it’s time to reveal that she’s a witch, does she calmly sit Will down at her house and take it easy with the news? No, she dresses up in a witches outfit, makes him grab the broom and spins him around in the air. Then he freaks out. Why? Why? Why? Uh, this is too irritating to watch.
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After a few seconds of thinking about it, no guy with sexual urges would turn down 1) a female who looks like Nicole Kidman and 2) a female who looks like Nicole Kidman with witch powers.
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No matter what new technology is invented, one of the first questions the human asks is, “How can this be incorporated into the sex act?”
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The first thing any guy would think and ask for from a witch that is in love with him would go something like, “Uh, say, could you, ya know, make my d#ck huge?”
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And, if she really loves him, of course she’d do it. Then the next question would be, “Could you make me last like...forever?”
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This movie is way too unbelieveable.
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2) Self-centerd, narcisstic, idiotic things she wastes her powers on.
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Let’s see, I’m a witch and I can use my powers to change reality, so ...I think I’ll stop World Hunger? All Poverty? Cure cancer? Stop war? No...how about making sure I get breakfast cause I was too lazy to get to the restaurant before 11 so I’ll manipulate the space-time continuum so I can eat some eggs. Who cares about the 3rd world kid whose got flies crawling on his face.
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3) Looks totally un-non-anti-funny.
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Remember that part in the preview where Nicole and Will are Dancing and she kicks him in the face on accident? Not funny.
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Remember that part in the preview where Will bumps into Nicole in the bookstore and falls over? Not funny.
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If you like recycled 3-Stooges jokes and out of place Will Ferrell wackiness, this is your movie.
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IS IT WORTH $10?
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No. Pay $6 for the matinee show if you really need to see a romantic comedy. As a back up bring your laptop with a copy of You Got Mail just in case you want to watch somethig a little less crappier.
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BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION
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Hollywood thinks that if you slap a known name on a movie, then that makes it worth seeing. Send a message, make this one a flop.
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$20 million....max!
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This is the second movie Nicole Kidman has done that focuses on her nose. Yet, The Hours remains the only movie that has featured her real nose.
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THE MESSAGE THIS MOVIE SENDS
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200 units...max! Only if you worked on the film and want to see your name in the credits should you buy this.
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Remember, some movies make more money off DVD dales than they did in theaters. Send a message: Bewitched has no magic and casts no spell on us.
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SEE THESE INSTEAD
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The best way to get ahead in life is to use powers and curses on people.
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Hollywood thinks if you put actors that most audiences like in a movie with a title most audiences kind of remember that it’ll be a box office success.
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The original Bewitched...if you can stand more than 1 episode of this 1960’s boring ass laugh track filled slow-mo comedy - when compared to today’s rockin’ shows.
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Shadow of the Vampire and Adaptation.
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When Harry Met Sally. Norah Ephron’s Romantic Comedy masterwork.
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If you want to see something with Will Farrell where he’s actually funny, see: Old School, Night at the Roxbury, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
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HOLLYWOOD LESSON LEARNED
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Good Actors, familiar property title and established director don’t equal a good movie unless there’s a good story.
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DO THIS INSTEAD
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In the mood for Witchcraft and Romance? Try this alternative to this horrible movie.
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1) Go to a local Occult bookstore. Purchase a few books on witchcraft and try to cast spells together!
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2) Create your own Romantic Comedy. Go to a restaurant and do something spontaneous created by the overwhelming love for each other. These can include but are not limited too:
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A) Breaking out into a romantic serenade for your loved one - restaurant must be full of people who will stand, applaud and cheer afterward/
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B) Do a Charlie Chaplin fork in potatoes foot dance of your own. Maybe with Ravioli?
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C) Purposely get into a fight, one that risks the future of your relationship. Allow one of you, usually the woman, to run out emotionally overwhelmed. When she’s about to fall asleep, push play on the radio you hold over your head with a romantic song that says everything you feel but aren’t eloquent enough to say as you stand outside her window.
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3) Talk about your favorite romantic comedy moments and just get to the hot, sweaty humpin’.
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TOTAL LIFE TIME SAVED
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2 hours actual movie+commericals+previews.
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1 hour travel time to and from the theater.
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$10 per person saved. $20 in concessions saved. Divide that amount by your hourly rate at work= hours of your life saved.
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2-3 hours spent suffering from BMMS afterwards.
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$15 saved purchasing the DVD. Divide that by your hourly rate and that equals hours saved.
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2-4 hours saved watching the DVD and worthless extras.
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TOTAL = 10-12 predicted hours of your life saved by not seeing this film.
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BUT, BUT...
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Bewitched is from the Director of Sleepless in Seatle. Norah Ephron won’t let her audience down. Will Farrell, Nicole Kidman, Michael Cane and Shirley McLane wouldn’t be a bad movie.
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RE-BUT-TAL
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The road to hell is paved with best intentions. This is not the first movie to have an all-star cast that totally sucked donkey balls.
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Remember that little, tired, defoliated Christmas Tree Charlie Brown brough home? No matter how wonderfully he decorated it with pretty garland and lights and bulbs, you could see it’s scrawny sickly structure.
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Even though something is decorated nicely, if, at it’s basic level, it doesn’t work, can’t hold up, the pretty cover up will fall short. Behold the mediocre power of Bewitched.
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