Benchwarmers



	RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

IT’S NEVER TO LATE TO MAKE A WANNABE SNL COMEDY


	THE PEOPLE TO MAYBE THANK FOR THIS ONE

Produced by:

Barry Bernardi

Allegra Clegg

Jack Giarraputo

Directed by:

Dennis Dugan

Written by:

Allen Covert

Cast:

Jon Heder

Reggie Jackson

John Lovitz

Tim Meadows

Rob Schneider


	Todd Garner

		Derek Dauchy

	Adam Sandler

Nick Swardson

	Rachel Hunter

	Craig Kilborn

	Norm MacDonald

		Adam Sandler

			David Spade


	MOVIE’S PEDIGREE


	From the Director of:


	*National Security*

		*Problem Child*


	*Saving Silverman*

	*Happy Gilmore*


	*Beverly Hill Ninja*


	From the Producers of:


	*Christmas with the Kranks*


	*The Animal*

xXx: State of the Union

Anger Management

Are we there Yet?

The Longest Yard

Man of the House

From the Writers of:

Grandma’s Boy

The Longest Yard

Anger Management

Art School Confidential

Malibu’s Most Wanted

From the Actors of:


				*Mr. Deeds*

			*Joe Dirt*

		*Hard Ball*

	*50 First Dates*

*Happy Gilmore*

	*Airheads*


	*Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star*


	*Napoleon Dynamite*


	*The Ladies Man*

		*Deuce Bigalow*

*Happy Gilmore*


		*Old School*

*Little Nicky*

	*Dirty Work*


	THE FORMULAIC EXPECTED PLOT AS TAKEN FROM THE PREVIEW


	Not that we expect or even want much of a plot from this type of movie.

	Just make us laugh and follow a thin story.

		It looks like it’s about three geeks from high school who were picked on by the cliché jocks and assorted high school bullies.

	Then it looks like one day John Luvitz who was also a high school geek is now a grown up rich geek.


	He comes up with an idea for a baseball team called “The Benchwarmers” who are built for the sole reason of beating the reigning bully team made up of 11 year olds.


	Funny ensues, hopefully, as no doubt wacky training montages follow as well as bullies getting mad at the geeks but the bullies being too stupid to get the geeks.


	They win the big game against the big jerk team and win it gaining self-respect and hot supermodels that have hearts of gold and great asses.


	THE IF-STUDIO-HAD SOME-BALLS-AND SURPRISED-US-WITH -ORIGINALITY PLOT


	Since the plot is thinner than both of the Olsen Twins there really isn’t much to change.


	If the studio had balls, if indeed Revolution Studios was “revolutionary” then they’d go for some outrageous jokes and show them in the preview.


	*It would’ve been nice to see this be more like Bad Santa* meets Revenge of the Nerds meets Bad News Bears.**

DID YOU NOTICE DURING THE PREVIEW?

That you said, “Oh, it’s from Revolution Studios! Thank God. Now it’s okay to see it.”

That you said, “Oh, it’s from the director of Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy! Thank God. Wait, who the f#ck is that?”

That you laughed because the silence in theater during the preview filled with 300 audience members made you uncomfortable and you felt bad for the SNL crew bombing on a 30 by 70 foot screen.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT

Adam Sandler’s birthday present to all his SNL friends is a movie every year they can all star in.

THE MESSAGE THIS MOVIE SENDS

That it’s okay to be a bully as long as you have an appreciative audience.

H-WOOD LESSON LEARNED

That H-Wood is gonna keep using this simple comedy math when it comes to comedies:

Adam Sandler

Mentioning Adam Sandler movies that made a lot of money.

Staring The Friends of Adam Sandler

$$$


	IS IT WORTH $10?

Maybe.

This movie should be seen with a big Friday or Saturday Night crowd. There will be plenty of laughs and it will remind you why going to the movies won’t be replaced by home theater anytime soon.

But, it needs to be funny. There’s a chance it might be full of tired old jokes.

TMPC recommends full price for die-hard Adam Sandler & Friends fans, it’s like preaching to the choir, you’re already converted.

As for comedy fans who don’t care who is in the movie and just care if it’s funny, well, then, the recommendation is matinee.

MONEY SHOT WEEKEND BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION

$15 million.

We like all the SNL buddies and want to see them out of the unemployment line. SNL royalty checks can only pay so many bills.

But, let’s not reward them too strongly for making this one.

TOTAL BOX OFFICE RECOMMENDATION

$35 million.

That should cover the budget for this one and break the production even.

We like seeing the gang together but let’s now reward them for just showing up.

DVD PURCHASE OR RENT?

Rent it first.

If it has comedy too raw to show in the preview and that comedy is worth watching over and over, especially when drunk friends have gathered to laugh themselves silly, then okay.

You have to determine a movie’s rewind value before making it a permanent part of your DVD collection.


	DVD SALES RECOMMENDATION


	$10 million.

		*Hardcore Adam Sandler & Friends* fans can add this one to their collection.**

	The rest of us comedy fans can just Tivo the funny parts and make a 5 minute highlight funny reel.


	SEE THESE INSTEAD


		*Anger Management*

*Saturday Night Live*

*The Animal*

	*Airheads*

	*Joe Dirt*


	*Billy Madison*

	*Happy Gilmore*

*50 First Dates*

	*Dirty Work*

		*Mr. Deeds*


	DO THIS INSTEAD


	Netflix *the SNL “Best of” collection for all the ex-SNL cast members starring in The Benchwarmers* while wearing the retro fashions and hairstyles of the year of the original airdates.**


	Call the weekly meeting of the Adam Sandler & Friends Fan Club. Tell everyone to bring a pen and paper. The assignment: Write a letter to your favorite Adam Sandler Friend and tell them the future of their career from 1993 onward.


Next, contact the Napoleon Dynamite Fan Club and arrange a meeting. At this historic summit give the Napoleon Dynamite Fan Club all the letters and pay them to use the Napoleon Dynamite Time Machine to go back into the past, New York, circa 1993 and give the letters to each SNL cast member.

		*As the Napoleon Dynamite* Fan Club starts the time machine and travels back into the past make sure all the Adam Sandler & Friends DVDs to date are laid out on a table.**

	*As the Napoleon Dynamite* Time Travelers fade into the past stare at the DVDs and see if any of them 1) disappear 2) change titles or 3) change the actors that star in them.**

		This will determine if the mission was successful or if you have to continue watching reruns of Newsradio.












	WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD YOURSELF ABOUT THIS MOVIE

“Yeah, it looks like every other Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and David Spade unoffical SNL movie that’s come out in the last 10 years, but that’s okay, it’s actually what I want to see. These guys are like family. I grew up with them. High School, College, and now marriage and parenthood. These guys get me through my life with laughter. They way they reinvent dick and fart jokes is genius.”

	THE TITLE OF THIS MOVIE MAKES ME THINK...

		“Sports.”


	“It’s about athletes who are good enough to get in the professional leagues, but aren’t good enough to actually play.”


	THE POSTER FOR THIS MOVIE MAKES ME THINK...


	“It’s a comedy!”

		“Joe Dirt, Deuce Bigalow AND Napoleon Dynamite! Together at last! This thing’s gonna be hilarious!”

		“It’s like God looked at my DVD collection and said, “I shall combine your 3 favorite movies of all time and make the greatest movie ever! It will be **The Greatest Story Ever Told....uh, wait, that titles already taken, but it will be The Funniest Story Ever Told.” My prayers have been answered!”**

		*“Why is Joe Dirt* so angry? He’s pointing his finger at me and all I’m doing is looking at the poster.”**


	“Look Napoleon Dynamite is wearing a safety bike helmet and he’s not even on a bike. That’s so funny. He probably plays a doofus who keeps bumping into things and is slow, I’ll pay $10 just to see that!”


		“Man, Deuce Bigalow is ripped! Look at those muscles!”

THE TAG LINE ON THE POSTER FOR THIS MOVIE MAKES ME THINK...

		Right, 3 losers should be able to be 9 young jocks.

That’s downright inspirational. It IS never to late to take a stand! Hold on, I’m going to ask my boss for that raise!

	So that’s what the movie’s about - 3 losers who have to beat 9 young jocks and I guess they win something.


	*THE DIE HARD* MEETS (BLANK) PITCH**


	Revenge of the Nerds meets Bad News Bears.


	THE CONCEPT


	Great! It’s simple, to the point. It is what it is and doesn’t try to be anymore. Old doofuses who get no respect from the jerks of the world have to play baseball with small jerks who will grown into big jerks.


	WHAT IS IT LIKE?


	Like every movie already mentioned in this review so far.

	Like Saturday Night Live.

	Like every movie any of these actors have starred in.


	HOW IS IT BETTER?


	It’s not.

	It’s exactly the same as the other movies.

	It’s like mom’s casserole: nothing fancy, not restaurant quality, but good, reliable and familiar. It makes you feel safe and takes you back to less complicated times. You know exactly what you’re gonna get and it’s exactly what you want.


	WARNING SIGNS


	Same old jokes we’ve seen a bazillion times already.

	The director’s less successful movies aren’t mentioned.

		You didn’t laugh once during the preview and it’s a comedy.

When the director’s name isn’t mentioned, just the ambiguous, “From the director of...”


	THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC


		*10 - 18 year old boys who are still “discovering” the comedy stylings of Adam Sandler and Friends.*

	18 - 25 year old boys who vaguely remember when the ASFs were on SNL when it used to be funny because it was the only time their older brother spent time with them and the only thing he passed down.

	26 - 40 year old boys who “were there when it all came together.” They watched the ASFs grow on SNL, launch their movie careers and feel a bond of 6 degrees of separation kinship.

REASONS TO SEE IT

		You’re gonna get exactly what you expect.

			*You wanna see Adam Sandler and Friends.*


	PROOF FROM THE PREVIEW THE MOVIE’S WORTH SEEING

FART IN FACE

A classic of bully torture that always gets a laugh.

A ROBOT BUTLER?

Is that what it looks like in the center? A Robot Butler! Could be funny if he talks crazy.

MAILBOX BASEBALL

This will probably be like 20 seconds long, but Napoleon wiffing on the mailbox and hitting the window is pretty funny.

HOT POTATO

Another 10 second bit, but Napoleon playing the doofus seems to show comedic promise here.

BARE HANDED FASTBALL CATCH

That’s painful and funny. Hopefully there’s enough to take up 90 minutes.

CRAIG KILBORN PLAYING A JERK

No one plays them like Kilby, remember Mark from Old School? Looks like he’s back!

Reason to see it 4 - hitting the windshield

Reason to see it - catching a fastball with your barehand


	Hopefully the lame jokes that make up the preview were also the most tame jokes. Here’s to hoping the movie has gross-out, oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-it hard core laughs that were too strong to in the preview.


	REASONS NOT TO SEE IT


	*But then again American Pie* gave us a scene of what’s his name f#cking a pie IN THE PREVIEW!**

		This is what edgy comedy was in 1999.


	PROOF FROM THE PREVIEW THE MOVIE’S NOT WORTH SEEING


	This is what edgy comedy is in 2006.


		#1

	BALL STUCK IN CATCHERS MASK

Somebody call the dry cleaner, cause I just sh#t my pants! That was sooo halarious!


		#2

	NEWSPAPERS ON A ROOF

Probably done to set up that Napoleon has a great arm, but not that funny.

PICKING THE NOSE

Unless you can top the snot action of Bad Santa, don’t even try.

SWING AND FALL

An uncoordinated nerd clumsily swinging and falling to the ground...and the comedy also falls flat.

THE BATMOBILE

Retro jokes about the 60’s Batman TV show ran out of funny after the Simpson’s cashed it in for all it’s worth. Thankfully, Adam West isn’t in the movie.

UNFUNNY SIGNS

Read it and weep, not because you’re laughing hard and crying. You’re depressed at the lack of funny.

FAMOUS ATHLETES IN MOVIES

There was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Airplane.

Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun.

Shaquille O’Neal, Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman in a bunch of stuff.

Mike Ditka in 2005’s Kicking and Screaming.

It’s not new, surprising or funny anymore!

CLICHE TOUGH GUY WALK

The Seven Samurai, The Magnificent Seven, Reservoir Dogs, Swingers.....please, no more bad ass walks.

BAT FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND BREAKS WINDSHIELD

Enough Said.


	With these formulaic recycled funny ha-ha gags, confidence in this one delivering is a little shaky.


TOTAL LIFE TIME SAVED

		80 - 90 minutes viewing the movie.

	15-30 minutes viewing the commercials and previews.

		30-60 minutes round trip travel time.

	$10 x 2 tickets, Popcorn, Soda, gas and babysitting fees total divided by hourly rate of pay equals totals amount of life time saved.

			Let’s say a total of = 5hrs

BUT, BUT...

		It’s the gang! They’re back! We should support them no matter what they do. How many more movies can they make? The Rat Pack came to an end, and don’t we wish we had more movies from them? Exactly!


	RE-BUT-BUT-BUTTAL


This is like a mother visiting her son in prison - “Of course he’s innocent! He’s my little boy! He didn’t do anything wrong!”

This is called Mother’s Denial - it’s how, even when presented with overwhelming evidence of guilt, a mother still believes her son is innocent.

	For movies there is Audience Denial - even when presented with overwhelming evidence that the movie will stink, the audience still believes it will be good and worth seeing.

This isn’t the greatest outing for the gang. They may be phoning it in, so they might need a wake up call:

(Phone rings)

		“Hello?”

		*“Yes, may I speak with Adam Sandler and Friends.”*

	“This is them.”

			“Okay, look we like you guys. We cheer when you make movies and are the first ones to line up to buy tickets - when the movie looks good. For the next movie could you guys bring the magic back?”

“It’s like you looked into our soul and reflected it back to us. We’re ashamed. Thanks for your honesty. Who are you?”

	“That’s the question to ask yourselves before your next project. Be true to the answer. I look forward to it.....click.”


	HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE JON HEDER TO MOVE FROM COMEDY TO DRAMATIC ROLES?


	With Jon Heder, the lastest “IT” boy of comedy, lined up to star in a number of comedies,TMPC wondered, “How long before the audience’s hunger for his style of funny burns out and he’s forced to ‘reinvent’ himself by choosing dramatic roles?”


	Or, perhaps as an artist he’ll feel locked into one kind of role, one way of artistic expression and will want to explore other avenues that are open due to his success in the comedic realm. Which is another way of saying that he’ll be tired of making money.